PLAYERS:
MIKE BURGESS: (RUBBISH)
To say this boy has been haemoraging goals this season is an understatement. The most foul mouthed person ever to grace a football pitch. Moans almost as much as Tony Pound it must bea northern thing! Could only be a goalkeeper as he can't kick a ball at all.....ever! Seems to get fatter on a weekly basis and has claimed to be allergic to training!
PIERRE: (DEFENDER)
Often called the White Pele, mainly because he's good enough only to need 1 name but also due to him also having erectile disfunction.
Currently keeping the physio busy, so much so that if it wasn't for his weekly dogging session he'd have forgotten where the downs were!
PETE BREALEY: (CAPTAIN)
Always the 1st to put his head above the parapit. No one in the history of football has won more headers!
New dad & genuine club legend!
PAUL WALKER
Older brother, has lost the pace he never had. Likes to think he's Italian but looks more like a Turk. Can moan with the best of them! has been shortly
emigrating to Portugal for the last five years.
DAMIEN ROONEY ($$$$$SHEIKH ROON$$$$)
The roller skate kid, he doesnt bother wearing boots on his feet but is reportadly having a set of studs surgically implanted into his arse.
Has more money than he knows what to do with, he's now taken to using £50 notes as wank rags!
PAUL NETTO: (BUDGET SUPERMARKET/SUPERDRY MODEL)
Angriest man on the downs. The only accountant in the world that can't actually count. Is currently planning his wedding though continiously denies it. Didn't follow his dads footsteps into Kabadi. Is currently part way through a five year plan on becoming a full back and getting balder.
PHIL JAKABOWSKI (MR INVINCIBLE)
Selfishly got injured in pre season leaving us in the lurch. The gaffers favourite player despite being ginger. Would run through walls for POB.
Were all awaiting his return!
JOHN LACKIE: (THE ONE WITH HAIR)
Certaily wouldn't let thinking get in the way of saying something stupid! Recently married, John missed the 1st few games of the season trying to remove his wife's thumb print from his forehead.
Was lucky enough to get all of the hair in the Lackie family!
AIDAN DUNFORD:
What this man doesn't know about fish fingers isn't worth knowing. Calls himself a chef because he's up to 3 stars on his McDonalds badge & is now qualified to flip burgers.
Widely regarded as the clubs biggest boozer.
DARREN COOK: (DAZZA)
Full time crock and the downs number 1 headband wearer, hes got a different one for every day of the week. Dazza isn't allowed out over the Christmas period because he's too busy making toys for santa. One of the quiet men of the club, so much so no one has ever heard him speak.
TONY POUND: (THE MOAN)
Like all scousers he loves a good moan (refff!!) fortunately he has yet to have the bubble perm or grow a tashe!
He's our very own action man & is currently planning his next fitness adventure. He's running to the moon and back.
NEIL POPE: (POPEY)
Angry man & doting new father rolled into 1. Has taken to fatherhood like a duck to water by playing football & coming to the pub.
Much under appreciated in his roll as social guru.
Potential manager of the future?
TOM SMITH (TONI N GUY)
Integral part of the 'Chav Crew' and now that Dev has retired the biggest sex pest in the club. He's a Hyperactive dog on heat!
His body's a temple, He'll only drink lager and eat fried chicken.
PHIL LACKIE: (FORMER STAR)
Portlands leading scorer....... ever! This has less to do with his footballing ability and more to do with the fact that no defender wants to get anywhere near him. He's still wearing the same pants he made his debut in & has yet to wash them!
Worst pint downer in the club, if not Bristol, maybe even the world!
BEN GOLLEDGE: (FAT RAVENELLI)
Has had more injuries than Darren Anderton but is now returning to full fitness he can now get to KFC and back in under twenty minutes.
Man boobs opponents off the ball but now has so little pace he can only score direct from corners.
Will openly accept that he's rubbish with women, the last time he kissed one it was his mum! Anyone who has eaten the sausages on a saturday will know that he's an outstanding chef . Spends most of his time being ordered around by an angry midget.
CRAIG GRIST (CJ)
Heir to the "Chav Crew' throne has left the club more times than Gary Glitter has regretted taking his computer to be fixed at PC world. The grass is never greener! Last years top goal scorer, tries to kick the leather off the ball every time he shoots. May well be a better
goalkeeper than Striker. Likes a good sulk, brings a lot to the changing room....well the nudie pictures of Gemma Atkinson!
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