Portland Old Boys F.C

If you thought having one lampage was bad enough we have now got two. Younger brother & rubbish drunk. Must be good however as he's managed to oust Jerry the berry from the ressies goal.

Plays every game like it's a scene from Platoon........Arrrgh! For some reason a sniper follows his every move, even though as Jerry 'the rulebook' will tell you rifles are not allowed on the downs!

Returned to the club this season after number of years in the wilderness. Isn't shy about expressing his opinions. Another penalty waiting to happen.

Falls in love in the blink of an eye looks like we've lost him for the rest of the season as he's infatuated with another bird. The best (only) footballer in the Walker family, though he can head and kick a player futher than he can kick the football.

Schizophrenic - quiet man off the pitch, psycho on it. Hates all referees (despite being one). Naiveley thinks that booze is a waste of money. Remember this face, you'll see it on Crimewatch one day!

A changed man. Previously had the worst disciplinary record in the history of POB but may have found god as he has chilled out. Incredibly he has got up from a kick this season with a smile. A penalty waiting to happen.
Wins the award for POB's hottest wag.

Has held the reserve team together for many a year. Once almost broke into a smile, unfortunately Haveron started a team talk and the moment passed!

Has resigned himself to old age by shopping in BHS and C&A for his grandad trousers & jumpers!

Combines playing football with presenting The One Show and Match of the Day 2. Has lost his touch with the ladies once bored a girl to death by explaining the offside rule but apparently was definately 'in there' with
her - the gaffa have obviously taught him everything he knows about women.

Final piece in the 'Chav Crew' jigsaw and quite possibly the most injury prone man in the club.

Fell in love with a welsh bit of skirt whilst in Bulgaria on 'Chav Tour' & hasn't played since.

Another moaning northener....there must be something in the water up there. The dirtiest player at training and a constant ringing in everyones ears!

Our other scottish midfield dynamo, when he ever turns up. Last years captain and player of the year. Scottish through and through can't start a game without a can of lager.

The cleverest man in the world. Once had a threesome with Stephen Hawkins and Marrie Currie! Apparently Hawkins even cums like a robot.

Think's hes shevchenko but actually has the movement of a shed. The older & more mature Lapage brother.

If he could learn to kick a ball when running he'd be dangerous! International man of mystery, has modelled himself on James Bond.

Is only able to play when he can get time off from being Ben Mitchells stunt double on Eastenders. One of the more injury prone players at the club, hopefully he'll soon return to full fitness. Currently living in sin in a gay relationship with our former goalkeeper.

One of the clubs new boys, but has unfortunately succumbed to the POB injury curse. Despite missing out in the majority of the season he'll still probably finish the season our reserve team top scorer. We
all wish Morris a speedy recovery from his injury.

King of the 'Chav crew' and proves this with his shocking beard & Argos jewellery. There are serious questions marks over his sexuality, the closet door is well & truely adjar.

Pierre's illegitimate love child. Learn everything he knows about football in the Romanian orphanage in which he grew up. Turns up for matches on his skateboard & can often be found asking his "dad" for pocket money.

Still searching for that pot of gold and those damn lucky charms! Hasnt been quite the same since he lost the job presenting Catchphrase.Was one of the founding members of POB back in the fifties when he was in his thirties, honorary president of the club.